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The other day, my retarded PC (which I’m positive came from hell) decided to take it’s best shot at vexxing me, by completely refusing to turn on.
Press the power button.
Tower beeps.
Black screen with a whole bunch of gibberish shows up.
Little Windows screen shows up with the blue progress bar underneath.
Wait a bit.
Same screen.
Wait a bit more.
Same screen.
I got impatient so I decide to go get a massive salad bowl full of watermelon to munch on. I come back hoping to see Windows fully booted and ready for me to do some work and catch up on the tons of email killing my inbox.
What? Same screen?
Long story short, this scene repeated itself for about an hour and a half.
I got too frustrated to deal with it so I decided to step out and go for a quick jog to re-energize myself and clear my mind.
When I got back, the computer still wouldn’t load! I decided to change real quick and head on over to the mall. After about 45 minutes of being lost in this massive maze of a mall, I found this big shiny store that looked so welcoming, I had to walk in.
Inside this very clean, organized and symmetrical store, a lineup of staff members wearing blue and orange shirts, stood along the main isle staring at me with smiles that could cut the sides of their faces.
Creepy, yes; but half of them were pretty cute girls so I was smiling and staring right back at them without any concern of walking into something… or someone.
I was approached by a girl in an orange shirt. “How can I help you?”, she asked me cheerfully.
Trying to keep focus on her eyes, I reply, “I’m not sure. Just thought I’d look around.”
“Sure, no problem! Just let me know if you need anything. Whatever you need, we can help.”, she tells me while returning to that face cutting smile.
I look around for a little bit and begin to ask myself if I really need anything from them or if I should just leave before I make an impulse purchase that I’ll regret later on.
Not even a minute later, I’m ambushed into a corner by the same girl. I smile for a second, but then see she brought along a friend - one of those guys in the blue shirts.
“Huh? Why is he here? I don’t want to talk to you man. I want to talk to her. Alone. Please leave.”, I think to myself.
The guy tells me that he is there to help and that he can answer any questions I may have.
I explain to him that I don’t even know why I’m there in the first place and that I just walked in to see what was inside.
“Are you happy with your current ’situation’?” he asks. “If not, or if you feel like you just need something more, we can show you the answers. Believe in us. Follow us.”
This whole scenario seems really creepy to me. I begin to sweat a little and ask myself a ton of questions, “What did I just walk into? What did that sign outside say? Is this guy trying to convert me to a different religion? What is going on??”
He asks me again, “What are you looking for? What is it that you want?”
I don’t know what came over me, but within the matter of 5 seconds, I broke down and started telling him all my problems. I told him what’s happened to me in the past, what’s happening to me right now and what I ultimately want in the future.
He looks over at the girl, who’s still standing beside him, and they both smile perfectly in sync.
“Don’t worry. We have the solution for you. Everything will be fine. Trust me.”, he promises me with a mellow voice and creepy smile.
At this point, I’m completely spellbound, so I followed them over to the other side of the room where they begin to ask me for my personal information. I answer all their questions and eagerly await to feel like part of the family. Like I belong to something great!
I finish answering all their questions and I turn around to make my way out and enter the world as a new man with a new faith.
The guy calls me back and says we’re not done yet.
“Sorry Moe, but before you leave, there’s still the issue of payment”, he tells me.
Without even thinking, I just reached into my pocket to pull out my wallet. As I look for my card, I remember that I accidentally de-magnetized my card a few days ago and had to take out extra cash from the bank until my new card comes in the mail.
In a Frank Lucas moment, I pull out a fold of bills larger than I’m used to carrying and hand it over to them. They look up at me suspiciously and begin to whisper to one another as they run each bill past a counterfeit detector. Once the total amount clears, they change their facial expressions and look back at me with those creepy face-cutting smiles.
I walk out with this large box they just handed me and begin finding my way back outside of this mall. People are staring at me as if they could tell something just happened, and I start to think how I’m going to break the news to people.
Once I get back home, I see my broken computer just sitting there. I look at it with an evil eye but then remember where I just came from. I disconnect my old, broken computer and place the big box on its side, while emptying the contents onto my desk.
Now, I sit down at my desk, feeling calm and at ease; as part of a new family… with my shiny, new MacBook Pro.
I’m now officially part of the cult that is Apple.
And they were right - this was the solution to all my problems.
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